I’m sitting here at Virtual Coffeebean typing in my blog. Why am I paying 17 cents a minute when I can do it for free at home? Well, not exactly free. I pay 35.00 a month for Telus ADSL. But why am I paying this bloody extra cash? My computer at home sucks. It is an old Mac riddled with problems. The keyboard is too small, my chair is not comfortable, and I don’t have MS office. My boyfriend has tried several free versions from friends that never work because we don’t have the CD registration number that comes with all MS software, and it doesn’t let you run anything without this magic number. OpenOffice for Mac just sucks royally. It is NOT just like MS Word, and it takes forever to figure out how to do things like view header and footer that take otherwise take one click. I find most software for Macs just doesn’t compete with PC’s. There’s always a bug or two, and then when you open it back up on a PC, the formatting is all fucked up. I’m so used to super fast computers at work, school, and here at the cybercafe. Plus here at the Virtual Bean, I have a nice cool breeze from the ceiling fans, lots of natural light from the floor to ceiling windows, and a stellar view on a sunny day of mountains and a sliver of dark blue ocean at their feet. Plus I have a delicious cup of hot tea. I can get that at home too, but it’s nice to get out of the apartment which heats up to about eighty degrees celcius on a clear sunny day, even when it’s zero degrees outside.
I’m a short walk away from my five hour shift at Pier 1 Imports. I have two hours to do my resume, cover letter and portfolio that I’ve been putting off all week. I’m so scared of rejection and failure that I put it off, which further increases this rejection and failure because he’s waiting for it. He is Barry , the editor of Dundurn Press. I think that’s why I’ve been so fucking lazy for the past few months. I just can’t get out of bed, away from the couch, the television, the desserts. What the hell is wrong with me? I pissing away my life, my education, opportunity. It’s a good thing I’m smart or I’d be flunking. I can pull off a solid B without trying. But I could be an honour student, an overachiever, a stellar successful entrepreneur if I applied myself. But (another “but”-I have too many “buts”!) I am so fearful. Thanks DAD!
He imported so much fear into me from his family, from his motherland of the dikes, Holland. HE told me I couldn’t do it when I was 19. Nineteen, Rochelle, get the hell over it! It’s amazing how one comment can take a lifetime to get over. Afterall, it was my childhood, and behaviours are instilled during that important, irreversable time of development. Yeah, thanks Dad. You blame your parents, and I’ll blame mine. That’s why I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want someone to blame me, since I already feel guilty for so much.
Anyways, tomorrow I’ll write about my bulemic cat. Today I will do my resume.
Ciao
blaak sheep 