Okay, I’m done – Pullitzer anyone?

So the show is said and done. It all happened so quickly. All those long nights crouching over my portfolio book, choosing, printing, gluing, ripping, regluing, studying, reading, finding mistakes, reprinting, swearing. People came and went from my table, I answered their questions, they left. One woman came, stared at my poster of the black sheep in a herd of white sheep, squinted, and ran away. Some just silently browsed two pages and left after I said hello. I feel, … empty … dissatisfied. After all the hours of my work, couldn’t anyone at least try to read at least one full page? There wasn’t too much to read. There was only one sheet of 14 point-sized text  with a balanced amount of white space per page, and I had lots of pretty pictures of my graphic design. People like pictures! 

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. So many people came and went, it’s really hard to remember all who looked. And many times, I got so lost in conversation, there could have been many people actually appreciating my work. 

I’m finally where I want to be, and I don’t feel done. I feel a great sense of accomplishment though, but I still feel dissatisified for some reason. It’s the human condition. We are never, ever satisfied. We are like a virus. We consume and consume, take, take, take, and still want more. What do I want? I don’t know. To be a good writer and designer recognized for her work. To be famous ? Maybe.

But I can just see it. I will spend countless hours burning my ass into my desk chair, typing my novel. It will be accepted for publishing, maybe even sell well, if I’m really lucky be nominated for some award, but I still won’t feel “done.” I guess part of being human is never feeling done. We are always striving to improve, to better ourselves. Our goals are always changing, always growing into something we didn’t expect in the first place. If we weren’t like this, we’d get bored, we wouldn’t evolve, we wouldn’t learn. We’d remain stagnant, like a foul-smelling standing pool of water. Yuck.

I guess we won’t feel done till we’re done. Done like dinner. Done like dead. Finished. Kaputz. Life is a never ending bafflement. Is that a word? Yup. I just checked. If anything, I’ve learned how to use a dictionary!