Lonely

What is my story today? Do I have any blessings?

The blessings are abundant even though I am standing alone. But I am not alone. I have warm bodies in my apartment, including my two cats. I have friends around me, not physically but in spirit. And when they are with me physically they lift me up higher than the moon.

The sun is out, the air is clear, the music is playing.

Today’s conversation:

Aiden was playing a game on the computer this morning. It kept saying the word “lonely” for some weird reason. Aiden asked, “What does lonely mean?” I said, “It means you have no one around, no friends, no Mommy and Daddy…” He looked at me and said, “Someday, Mommy and Daddy are going to die, and I will be all alone at home.” This broke my heart although he spoke the truth. I cannot give him a a brother or sister. All I can do is love him, and teach him to love and find true friends that will be there when we are gone. Such a young boy already understands the concept of death. But he won’t be alone. I wanted to tell him we will always be with him even though we will not be with him physically, but I didn’t. I was too overcome with emotion to answer.  He will find his way and people to protect him when we are not able to. I tell myself he will also have his cousins and aunts and uncles, but I know from experience having my siblings around when I lost my mother was so helpful and uplifting. I can’t imagine going through the grief without them. But I need to trust that he will have others to replace the non-existent sibling.

How do other people who are the only child do it? A few of my friends come to mind. They found a sibling in books, travel, friends, hobbies, their imaginations. Aiden had me make a life-size cardboard cut-out of a small person who he calls Kayla, his sister and best friend.

How do you get over the guilt of not being able to have another child? Some people have told me it’s not very nice of me to not have another child to accompany Aiden in this life. I think it would be much meaner of me to risk my life, risk being gone much earlier, snatched away from my little boy’s world. The pain of losing one’s mother at a young age is far greater than an ache of sibling desire. At least I can provide him comfort, friendship, guidance and the support he needs. And having another sibling is not always the answer to completion and happiness. There can also be suffering involved, such as sibling rivalry and rejection.

But come to think of it, we are actually happy as a family of three. I feel complete, that this is okay. Yes, I love babies and my ovaries hurt a little every time I hear a gurgle and see their tiny feet kick and squiggle. But I’ve accepted it’s not meant to be for the greater good. We are perfect together. There is a greater plan, and Aiden will love and learn with other people.