Don’t go out looking like that!

A good friend of mine and I were walking around a pond in Stanley Park. We were watching the mallard ducks swim and splash around in the water. We commented on the beautiful colours of the male ducks: the blue and white markings on their tail-feathers and their deep green, iridescent heads. Then she said, “My dad used to say to me, ‘Look at how much more beautiful the males are than the females. Even in nature the males are more attractive  than the females.’ ”

I disagreed. I said, “What about humans? Women are the more attractive gender.” She responded, “No, my father says women are ugly and that’s why they wear make-up and fancy clothes. Men don’t have to do that because they are more attractive than women.”

This got me to thinking, is this really true? Do men really feel this way, and even if they do, why do women put up with it?

Why do women wear make-up? To attract men. Red lips and eyes appearing bigger and more striking indicate that we are ready to mate. Pink cheeks make us look healthier. But we also wear make-up when we have a boyfriend or are married. We’ve got our man. Do women really believe our mate would leave us if we didn’t? They see us when we take off our make-up at night before bed and first thing in the morning. Do they cringe each time?

I work in an office of mostly women. Most of the women wear make-up every day to work. To impress who? Other heterosexual women? The few men that are here? Ourselves? We can’t stand looking at ourselves in the mirror: wrinkles, acne, under-eye circles, age spots, freckles. We have to hide our imperfections like dirty little secrets.

I understand we want to look our best. We shower, brush our hair and teeth, wear clean, matching clothes. We want to smell and look good not just to attract the opposite sex, but to be presentable to everyone in general. But to be expected to be made up and polished at all times sometimes is just exhausting. Women are inundated with ads on television, in magazines and newspapers for hair products, teeth whiteners, wrinkle creams promising the eternal look of youth, clothes to make us look slimmer and bustier, and of course, make-up to make us look flawless. There aren’t as many of these ads for men. Why so much pressure on women, whether or not it is self-inflicted?

I don’t wear make-up every day. On the days I don’t, I often get comments that I look tired or sick. Do men get those comments often? Why are women expected to hide their flaws and men aren’t? Men look funny with make-up, too feminine. Why do we associate true femininity with flawless perfection?

This is an interesting article on why women wear make-up and how people in a study perceive women with make-up.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/04/women-wear-too-much-makeup-because-they-mistakenly-think-men-want-them-to/361264/

I don’t have the answers to these questions. This blog entry is to get a conversation going and come up with answers of our own.

Harnessing your toddler: safe or humiliating? Or both?

I’ve decided to do something I swore I’d never do: put a harness (a cute and cuddly one at that) on my child. I always used to judge parents who did that, thinking they weren’t good parents to not have control over their child. Then I had my own. He is fiercely independent, walks ahead of me and refuses to hold my hand. If I try to force him, he pulls back, screams and starts to run away. It’s more dangerous and humiliating for us to do that than to put a strap on him.

I just purchased a little owl backpack that is accompanied by a thick, not-too-long, detachable strap. I haven’t tried it out yet because I haven’t had the opportunity to take him out for a walk on the street. At the same time, I am so afraid of judgment from others since I used to be the one to judge. When I tell people about it, most people understand, but some people cringe. My nephew said, “What is he, a dog?”

owl backpack owlbackpack2

Why am I so afraid of judgment? Who cares what other people think? Most of the people who will judge me will be non-parents, or people who have never had an independent, active child. I care more about the safety of my child than what other people think and the aesthetics of it all.

My friend told me once she was driving slowly down a busy street when a toddler broke free from her father’s hand and darted out into busy traffic. My friend hit the brakes quickly and did not hit the child, but it was a scary, near miss.

Toddlers are unpredictable, active, crazy, and love to run and bolt. My toddler is not even two-years-old and doesn’t yet understand that running out onto the road could mean imminent danger. He also doesn’t understand all the vocabulary necessary to communicate this message to him. I don’t want him to learn the hard way.

If you see a toddler in harness, do not judge or ridicule. The parent is being a very good parent by caring more about safety on a busy street than a socially-pleasing appearance of invisible control and good behaviour that doesn’t always exist.

Yahoo! writer Jennifer Phillips says the debate isn’t even about leashes/harnesses; it’s just another topic to perpetuate the mommy wars. Instead of judging parents who choose to leash (or choose anything for that matter), Phillips says, “[It’s important to remember that] we are all unique individuals, with unique children, in unique situations trying to do the best we can, and make the best decisions we can for our unique families.”

Eyes

If your eyes could speak
They would tell so many stories
Of love, pain, fear and warmth
You cried
You cried a lot
Loneliness prevailed once
But then you realized
You are your own best friend
And loved yourself
Now that love speaks volumes
Through your eyes
They saved me today
From dark places
In my mind
They took me to a place of safety
Serenity
And peace
Thank you
For your beautiful eyes

Hands – Five-Minute Friday Writing

Your hands grab my hair by the roots and make me wince with pain.

Your hands touch my eyebrows as they wonder what they are.

They stroke my cheeks and wipe the tears away.

They grab your willie when I change your diaper.

Your hands lay limp by your side when you fall asleep.

I kiss your hands when you scream with joy.

Your hands are so small yet full of life.

Your hands stretched behind your head as you yawned in the ultrasound.

You use your hands to grab the kitty and you are very gentle.

You take the cat food bowl and turn it upside down with your hands, spilling food on the floor.

I use my hands to scoop it all back up into the bowl, every single time.

You held the big boy bottle with your hands for the first time when you were six months old. I was so proud.

Your hands keep growing every single day.

I love your hands.