Not your average writing – Page 14

Harnessing your toddler: safe or humiliating? Or both?

I’ve decided to do something I swore I’d never do: put a harness (a cute and cuddly one at that) on my child. I always used to judge parents who did that, thinking they weren’t good parents to not have control over their child. Then I had my own. He is fiercely independent, walks ahead of me and refuses to hold my hand. If I try to force him, he pulls back, screams and starts to run away. It’s more dangerous and humiliating for us to do that than to put a strap on him.

I just purchased a little owl backpack that is accompanied by a thick, not-too-long, detachable strap. I haven’t tried it out yet because I haven’t had the opportunity to take him out for a walk on the street. At the same time, I am so afraid of judgment from others since I used to be the one to judge. When I tell people about it, most people understand, but some people cringe. My nephew said, “What is he, a dog?”

Why am I so afraid of judgment? Who cares what other people think? Most of the people who will judge me will be non-parents, or people who have never had an independent, active child. I care more about the safety of my child than what other people think and the aesthetics of it all.

My friend told me once she was driving slowly down a busy street when a toddler broke free from her father’s hand and darted out into busy traffic. My friend hit the brakes quickly and did not hit the child, but it was a scary, near miss.

Toddlers are unpredictable, active, crazy, and love to run and bolt. My toddler is not even two-years-old and doesn’t yet understand that running out onto the road could mean imminent danger. He also doesn’t understand all the vocabulary necessary to communicate this message to him. I don’t want him to learn the hard way.

If you see a toddler in harness, do not judge or ridicule. The parent is being a very good parent by caring more about safety on a busy street than a socially-pleasing appearance of invisible control and good behaviour that doesn’t always exist.

Yahoo! writer Jennifer Phillips says the debate isn’t even about leashes/harnesses; it’s just another topic to perpetuate the mommy wars. Instead of judging parents who choose to leash (or choose anything for that matter), Phillips says, “[It’s important to remember that] we are all unique individuals, with unique children, in unique situations trying to do the best we can, and make the best decisions we can for our unique families.”

Eyes

If your eyes could speak
They would tell so many stories
Of love, pain, fear and warmth
You cried
You cried a lot
Loneliness prevailed once
But then you realized
You are your own best friend
And loved yourself
Now that love speaks volumes
Through your eyes
They saved me today
From dark places
In my mind
They took me to a place of safety
Serenity
And peace
Thank you
For your beautiful eyes

Having a baby in your 40s – such a rarity or the norm?

So I had a baby at the ripe age of 43. When I tell some people who don’t know me very well my age, they say, “Oh, you had your baby late in life!” and look at me all concerned, as if it’s a problem. They then ask if there were any complications, and I say no. Everything went swimmingly. They say,”Oh you were lucky,” and continue with the doomsday look, as if I’m a time bomb waiting to explode. Some even said if they had a baby in their 40s, they’d feel like killing themselves.

I understand the stats involved are plenty. Many complications can happen. But they didn’t. Yes, I was lucky. But that doesn’t mean it’s a taboo. Don’t look at me that way. Instead, congratulate me and be frickin happy. Yes, my baby is a miracle, but aren’t all babies? And many women under 40 can have complications. But we don’t automatically assume and almost “wish” that upon them. It’s like telling a pregnant woman she’s going to have a terrible labour. You just don’t project bad vibes on someone. Especially if you don’t know them very well.

Anything is possible. More and more women are waiting later in life to have a baby. With all the medical advances nowadays, it is possible. We are told not to wait, the dangers for mom and baby are many. But sometimes we don’t have that luxury of time. For me, I wasn’t ready in my twenties or thirties. I didn’t want a child, and didn’t have the means to support a child. I didn’t meet my life partner until I was in my forties.

I have to admit, my pregnancy wasn’t planned. We were talking about having a baby, but were thinking perhaps in a year or so, but didn’t know if I could even get pregnant, and of course, we were worried about complications. I was worried at this age having a baby would be harder on me, that I’d be exhausted all the time, and irritable. I was worried my back would go out and I’d have a lot of health problems.

Then I just got pregnant. They watched me like a hawk, especially during labour, but everything went fine. And our son continues to amaze us every day. He is healthy, happy and fun. I have a strange energy, I am not too exhausted. I am extremely patient and calm (most of the time). I think nature has a way of taking care of both the mom and the baby at times. I feel like I won the lottery.

If a woman you know is older and is having a baby, be supportive, not negative. All the stats in the world are there, but are not always applicable to her situation.

Hands – Five-Minute Friday Writing

Your hands grab my hair by the roots and make me wince with pain.

Your hands touch my eyebrows as they wonder what they are.

They stroke my cheeks and wipe the tears away.

They grab your willie when I change your diaper.

Your hands lay limp by your side when you fall asleep.

I kiss your hands when you scream with joy.

Your hands are so small yet full of life.

Your hands stretched behind your head as you yawned in the ultrasound.

You use your hands to grab the kitty and you are very gentle.

You take the cat food bowl and turn it upside down with your hands, spilling food on the floor.

I use my hands to scoop it all back up into the bowl, every single time.

You held the big boy bottle with your hands for the first time when you were six months old. I was so proud.

Your hands keep growing every single day.

I love your hands.

Animals and Children: Which one is the monster?

This morning Bengal, my older cat, hissed and scratched Aiden, my 10-and-a-half-month old son, on the side of his head. He cried. He bled, a little. Bengal had been sitting on the couch and he cornered her so she couldn’t get away and then grabbed her face. She’s 14-years-old and is uncomfortable around children because she hasn’t been around them often enough until now. Normally she keeps her distance from Aiden and will even sleep beside him. She is fine with him as long as he doesn’t grab or corner her. Bengal would do the same to me if I did the same to her. Memphis, however, my two-year-old cat, loves to be around Aiden and is very gentle with him, only placing his paw on Aiden’s face without claws when Aiden grabs or touches him.

Some people would punish Bengal, freak out or even get rid of her, thinking it’s their job to protect Aiden. But what about Bengal? She is old, tired and afraid. She is an animal, not a human. We don’t use human psychology on animals. If I punished her, she would just be shamed and confused, not understanding why she is being ostrasized for protecting herself and trusting her natural, ingrained and uncontrollable instincts. She will do it again under the same circumstances.

On the issue of protecting Aiden, children and babies need to learn how to treat and respect animals, even and especially at a young, tender age. This is how they will learn to protect themselves first. A little scratch on the head is no reason to get rid of an animal. If your child touches a hot stove, you don’t get rid of the stove. You teach the same child to look both ways before he crosses the street and not to cross if there is a car coming; you don’t petition to have roads removed because they are unsafe. The same goes for animals, even people. We tell our children not to approach strangers and not to grab or hit people or pull their hair. If Bengal viciously attacked him without provocation, that would be a different story. That is also extremely rare behaviour from a cat. The stories you hear about cats attacking children or “smothering” them because they are jealous are urban myths. (If you don’t believe me, Snope it here.) Cats either love the baby or are uninterested.

I admit Aiden has a difficult and confusing lesson to learn. With one cat, he can do whatever he wants but with the other cat, it will result in pain. He will learn. He already has.